New Ears!

Zoe has had her hearing aids for over a week now, and I have to say it has been... challenging. The constant feedback drives me up a wall so much that I take them out more than I want to just to get a break from it. It sucks that my baby has to hear this noise whenever she lays her head down, leans in for a big hug, etc. So Friday Dr. Robinson will give us a new pair- apparently a stronger, better pair- YAY!!!! I hope they are better than the ones we have now. I mean, I know they are just temporary loaners, but geez!

I am really starting to get used to the idea of her having to wear hearing aids, though dealing with the obstacle of her being a very active toddler sometimes wears on me. She still takes them out, and I am not really sure why. I wonder if they bother her- maybe she hears feedback, or they don't fit properly; but I really think it has a lot to do with the whole power struggle aspect of it. She knows what pushes mommy and daddy's buttons- and she pushes them as often as she pleases! She knows when she is being bad- obvious by her running away when we stand up to come get her when she is pulling all the DVD's out on the floor, pushing buttons on the printer, trying to stand on dining room chairs, and now... pulling out her hearing aids. She even gives us a sneaky little giggle when she does it! It's hard to be mad, though- because she's just so darn cute!!!

Things at home are a little tense lately- what with worrying about Zoe, finances, all this responsibilty sometimes weighs heavy on the shoulders. I try to keep a handle on my worrying and stressing, but I am just not that strong. I have to let it out, and poor Jonathan is usually the unfortunate recipient. I hope he knows I love him, and that even though we are going through a lot in our relationship right now- we have to stay strong together as one. We WILL get through this, and a bright future is ahead for all 3 of us!

So I am a little bit excited to see how the new aids work- my mom will be going with Jonathan and Zoe to the appointment at 11:30am tomorrow. She will enjoy going- my mom feels really left out of Zoe's life with her living so far away from us. Jonathan's family is so much more involved in her life, and I know that probably hurts sometimes.

Easter is upon us, now too- we have to take Zoe to see the Easter bunny!!! I think we will be doing that Friday Evening, so I will try to post a picture sometime soon.























You can kind of see her first pair of aids in the pic on the right- they were a neutral color, so they sort of blended into her skintone- unlike the new ones which are bright neon pink... LOL :)

Oh, and we are without Easter Bunny pics because apparently Zoe thinks the bunny is the son of Satan. She nearly climbed over my back trying to escape him- good thing we didn't wait in a long line! Maybe next year...

The Journey Really Begins Here...

Well, the long-awaited night finally came last night- Zoe got her hearing aids. When I first saw them, I thought they were not too bad- smaller than I thought they would be, which is good. I think she is hearing things a little better now... I think. Dr. Robin said she did well when she tested her reaction and localization of sounds in the soundproof booth. She did turn toward them several times- but then she started anticipating which side the noise was going to come from, and it was a little more difficult to tell if she actually heard it, or was guessing which side it would come from. She didn't seem to be bothered by the aids, she seemed to like them and showed off in the doctors office, running around and making noises. It worried me a little that Dr. Robin had to program them at level 3, a stronger amplification- because I wonder if they are actually going to help her, or if she may need the implant surgery. I don't know how well I will be able to handle that, my baby having to get surgery. It was enough seeing her get sedated and not have an invasive procedure for the ABR.

It is still going to take some time before she may "learn to listen"-know when someone is talking to her, where the sound is coming from, and what the words mean. I am happy that she finally has the help she needs, though. She seemed so happy to have them in for the most part. I can see, though- that these are going to be part of the daily power struggle that any parent deals with when they have a very active toddler. She pulled them out about 6 or 7 times last night- not because I think she doesn't like them or doesn't want to wear them, but because she wants to have the control. It is going to be challenging to make her understand that she is not allowed to take them out, only a grown up can. We just put them right back in when she takes them out. She even laughs and runs away when she does it, a sure sign that she is doing it just to push our buttons, because it is the same reaction as when she is messing with something she knows she's not supposed to. As soon as we get up and come to get her, she giggles and runs away, usually ending up hiding in her butterfly tent that we have set up in our living room.

She wore them all the way home from the doctors office with no problems- she looked around, made noises, and didn't even touch them until we got home. I sat in the backseat with her so it would be easier to make sure she didn't pull them off and toss them (like she does with anything else when we're in the car)- and talked to her. She turned toward me when I called her name- which was just amazing. I could tell after doing it a couple times that she could really hear me, it wasn't just a coincidence that she turned in my direction. She even got a little startled one time, maybe I talked too loud.

One thing I am having problems with is the feedback noise. The aids we have now are just loaners, and they have considerable feedback if she lays her head down on them, or if they are not in all the way with a tight seal. I am afraid that she will hear this, and not like having them in for fear that noise will happen. I always turn them off before I put them in or reposition them so she doesn't hear that noise. We hope that if these help her, and this is the route we need to go with her- that the permanent aids we will get for her will be a little better. They better be for what we have to pay for them.

Now that the aids are in, I really have to get a grip on reality. My daughter has a disability. She will need help hearing for the rest of her life, whether it is with hearing aids, an implant, whatever. I still love her just the same, of course. In fact, even just last night I think I realized she gave me more patience through this. I am sympathetic to her, I guess- which makes me more patient and try to help her. Her dad got pretty frustrated with her taking them out- and I did too at first, but then all of the sudden I felt calmer- I put them back in and didn't get mad at her. The only thing I did differently from any other night, is that last night I held her in bed with me and rocked her to sleep. She was kicking and screaming wildly- more than usual, which made me think she was probably scared and confused as to why she could hear things just a few minutes ago, and them mommy and daddy took it away. I couldn't bear her laying in her crib alone in silence after just being able to hear for the first time. She finally went to sleep, and i cuddled her and kissed her for a while before laying her in the crib.

It is going to take some time for me to really wrap my head around all of this, and get used to her new situation. I think I am finally comin to terms with it, but we shall see how the next 3 months with these loaner aids pans out.