Dealing with the news

So it's been 48 hours since the ABR and receiving the news of the severity of Zoe's hearing loss. I am dealing with this the best way I know how- even though that means not wanting to talk about it, shutting people out, and crying on the inside and outside pretty much all the time. OK, so maybe that is not the most healthy way of dealing with things, but I am really not sure what to think right now. Zoe is still my little girl- I love her more than anything in the world, but as my fiance can tell you, I do not deal with bad news well. I keep blaming myself, mulling over what i could have done to prevent the hearing loss over and over until it drives me insane.

Jonathan keeps telling me that I need to put those feelings aside and focus more on the task at hand- doing whatever it takes to help Zoe in whatever way possible. I understand that, I really do- but this pain in my heart is clouding my every thought. I can't concentrate at work, I sit and think about her all day- kind of like when I first returned to work when she was an infant. I wish so much that we could afford for me to stay home with Zoe so I could make sure she gets worked with, and gets the help she needs.

My friend told me that day that it could be worse- and I think I said something to the effect of "I'm really tired of hearing that today". She came back with telling me about a friend of hers who has a young boy in her family who is fighting leukemia, whose family is forced to live at Johns Hopkins while they watch their child die. As much as the news of Zoe's hearing loss hurt, her telling me that made me realize that we really are blessed to have her here- happy and healthy. She needs help hearing, but she's not going to die from it. I guess things can always be worse no matter what situation you are in, but no matter what, it's going to hurt.

I am very excited for Zoe to get her hearing aids- I can't wait to get the results of the real ear measurement, so we can know exactly what we're dealing with, and to see Zoe's reaction to finally, after 18 months, be able to hear more clearly. I wonder how much she will be able to hear, if the aids will help her right ear at all, if she has that auditory nerve and can be helped, what the future holds for her... there are so many unanswered questions. These questions will be answered in time, I guess- but it's so hard to look at her and know that she cannot hear me talk to her, sing to her... it's heartbreaking.

It's Wednesday, so only 2 more days until she sees her audiologist again. So now we just wait, like always...