Is it wrong...

Is it wrong, or maybe even selfish of me- to consider not having any more children? Maybe this is just a facet of the grief of losing my "perfect baby" and having to deal with a child with a disability. Since Zoe was born, I wanted more babies. I wanted a large family, as many as we can support- as my fiance says. We both wanted to have another relatively soon so they would not be so far apart in age. Now I am struggling inside with whether or not I even want to try to have any more kids. I mean, this pain is tearing me apart- how would I handle it if our next child has a disability as well? What if it is an even worse disability than hearing impairment? I just don't know if I am a strong enough person to deal with that.

Even if we do decide to have another baby, my pregnancy will be stressful and scary just thinking about all the things that could go wrong- apparently some things can go wrong and not be detected until long after the birth. Sure, when I was pregnant with Zoe, I thought occaisionally about birth defects and such, and scared myself a little- but she looked great on ultrasounds, and soon those fears faded. Now, 18 months after her birth, I have to face the reality that something is indeed wrong with my baby. "Wrong"- what a way to put it. There's nothing "wrong" with Zoe. She just needs a little help hearing. I keep trying to tell myself that. I hate that I have feelings that Zoe is no longer my "perfect" child. I hate those feelings and I hate myself for having them. I should not think that way about my beautiful little girl- she is perfect.

My internal struggle is that I very much want another baby, but I just don't want to have to go through this kind of pain ever again. You see all these stories about kids with down syndrome, cancer, and all these horrible diseases and disorders- and then you see their parents. Marching beside them in a walk to raise money for research, accepting their fate and then doing everything they can for their child- they are so strong. I wonder if I am that type of person. I think I just need my time to grieve and accept what is happening in my life. After all, this is going to turn all of our lives upside down.

So, do I accept this obstacle and have another baby (one day...) despite all the things that could go wrong? Or do I simply learn to live with the cards we have been dealt and not tempt fate? Our audiologist suggests we get genetic testing before deciding to have another baby. So now the excitement of making the decision to have a baby has been taken away from us. We can't simply say- "we're ready, let's start trying for another" like most couples would. It makes me wonder if I even want to know what would come of that testing, and what my decision would be if it was not a favorable outcome. Is it fair for me to deprive Zoe of having siblings for my own reasons?

I guess this decision is one we must make together some time in the future. It is a lot to think about right now on top of everything else we are dealing with.