Faith

So my mom and Jonathan have been on me a lot lately about my faith. They keep saying that I need to put this in God's hands and pray on it. Now, I have never been the biggest religious person... I won't say I don't believe in God, but I am just not the church-going type if you know what I mean. I guess there has to be something out there bigger than us- and I do believe that miracles can happen. My mom tried to make the point to me that my dad (who died of cardiomyopathy when I was 11) was a miracle because his heart actually shrunk, and the doctors did not know how or why. Sure, amazing, miraculous even... but he still died. I can hold on to the fact that God let him have more time with his family before dying, but inside I am still angry he had to die.

Then there is my mom- she has "almost died" more times than I am comfortable with. Well, I would still be uncomfortable with once, but you get what I'm saying. She is quite possibly a walking miracle herself, so her faith is strong as it always has been. She believes that as long as you say thank you to God every day for your blessings, and say "all is well", that God will work for you in those areas of your life. I don't know how much I believe that God is going to make my little girl be able to hear... prove me wrong, Jesus! I feel bad that I feel this way, but my faith in miracles might not be as strong as others.

So now that I am trying to move on to accepting this, I do often wonder where God fits into the picture. Is this supposed to be a good thing? Supposed to teach me something or open my eyes? Maybe, but I find that unfair. My little girl doesn't deserve this. God was supposed to bring her into this world perfect. Sure, you can argue that she is God's vision of perfect for her as an individual- but what if there were no hearing aids? What if the hearing aids don't help? God just wants her to be deaf? It is all so controversial and confusing for me, so I decided to leave God out of this.

Rather, we will deal with this on our own and hope (and pray?) for the best. Jonathan's faith is so much stronger than mine, especially right now. I hope one day I can feel that way, but for now I am still unsure about a lot of things, and sadly, my faith is one of them.